Another Fine Homemade Parachute Page, Crafted With Love

Well they screwed up the back end dev in the repo last night now they screwed up his workflow too
Down in the conference room they're gettin' ready for a fight gonna see what them JavaScript boys can do

Now there's trouble bustin' in from outta RESTful states and the P.M. can't get no relief
Gonna be a rumble out on the foosball deck and the QA lead's hangin' on by the skin of her teeth

Everything times out, baby, that's a fact
But maybe everything that times out someday comes back
Switch your caching on fix your CSS with fervor and push it tonight to the Apache server

Well I got my specs and tried to pull my requests
But I got bugs that no honest dev can fix
So I patched what I could, checked it in Firefox
And I bought us that upgrade on that virtual box

Now our process may have died and our docs may be old but with you forever I'll stay
We're goin' out where the market's turnin' to gold so mock up your UI cause the coffee's getting cold and maybe everything times out
That's a fact but maybe everything that times out someday comes back

Now I been lookin' for a library but it's hard to find
Down here it's just JavaScript and PHP and don't get caught on the wrong side of that line
Well I'm tired of comin' out on the losin' end
So honey last night I found this .git and I'm gonna do a little pull with it

Everything times out, baby, that's a fact
But maybe everything that times out someday comes back
Switch your caching on fix your .htaccess with fervor and push it tonight to the Apache server
Push it tonight to the Apache server
Push it tonight to the Apache server…

Fri, Nov 22, 2013

Cachin’ Cachin’ Cachin’

Keep testin’, testin’, testin’,
Doritos we are ingestin’,
Keep them templates testin’
Drupaaaaaaaal!
Don’t try to understand it,
Just try, catch, var_dump it
When you wrote this had you glue sniffed?
Man, this function’s regurgitatin’
But some booze will be a-waitin’,
A-waiting at the end of my shift.

Move ’em on, queue ’em up,
Queue ’em up, move ’em out,
Move ’em on, queue ’em up
Drupaaaaaaaal!
Set ’em up, file ’em in
File ’em in, push ’it out,
Cut it out, file ’em in
Drupaaaaaaaal!

Cachin’, cachin’, cachin’
Cachin’, cachin’, cachin’
Drupaaaaaaaal!

Cachin’, cachin’, cachin’
Though the error log’s a-swollen
Keep them servers cachin’
Drupaaaaaaaal!
That theme was cobbled together,
Hell-bent for leather
Wishin’ my iPhone was by my side.
All the things I’m missin’,
Webkit, love, and kissin’,
Are waiting once the buglist does subside…

Move ’em on, queue ’em up,
Queue ’em up, move ’em out,
Move ’em on, queue ’em up
Drupaaaaaaaal!
Set ’em up, file ’em in
File ’em in, push ’it out,
Cut it out, file ’em in
Drupaaaaaaaal!

Keep testin’, testin’, testin’,
Acetaminophen we are ingestin’,
Keep that module testin’
Drupaaaaaaaal!
Don’t try to understand it,
Just try, catch, var_dump it
Wishin’ my iPhone was by my side.
All the things I’m missin’,
Webkit, love, and kissin’,
Are waiting for this dude to abide…

Drupaaaaaaaal!
Drupaaaaaaaal!

Sat, Jun 22, 2013

Square icons go on every screen
Square icons are the boss
Square icons on the shiny OS
Square icons got no gloss
Square icons are the latest thing
Square icons take the cake
Square icons gonna be everywhere
Square icons got nothing fake

Sometimes pushing beziers around
Sometimes pulling out the rug
Sometimes pushing all the buttons
Sometimes looking oh so smug
It's the power and the glory
Getting kicked out of paradise
It's a cinderella story
They no longer look like dice

Square icons got sharp corners
Square icons it's not like you can choose
Square icons got no woodgrain texture
Square icons cut, don't bruise
Square icons show no pictures
Square icons all the rage
Square icons losing all their colour
Square icons grey and beige

Sometimes building walled gardens
Sometimes ripping denim down
Sometimes building you an app store
Lock you underground
It's no old-time religion
It's the morph they would skeuo
It's the fool at the dev conf
Getting paid to play the fool

Square icons for every app
Square icons give and take
Square icons for your own good
Square icons, make no mistakes!
Square icons sure look heavy handed
Square icons by Jan Tschichold

Square icons look like Windows Phone
Square icons got no soul...

[bwaa bwaa bwaaaaa {keyboard solo!}]

Mon, Jun 10, 2013

Begin the keynote
With a friendly voice,
A CEO, unobtrusive
Shows those sales figures, so elusive
And the payment total makes your morning mood

Off on your way
Hit the afternoon sessions,
There is magic at your fingers
For the notifications ever linger,
Demanding contact
In your earbudded solitude.

Invisible wifi
Crackles with life
Bright antennae bristle
With the energy
(You're still holding it wrong!)
Emotional feedback
On 3G wavelength
Bearing four bars, a gift beyond price-
Almost free...

All this machinery
Making modern mobile apps
Can still be open-hearted
Signups so coldly charted
It's really just a question
Of your API
Yeah your API

One likes to believe
In the freedom of non-DRM'd content,
But glittering prizes
And endless tablet compromises
Shatter the illusion
Of sustained user engagement

"For the words of the profits,
Are projected on the theatre wall,
Session halls -
Echo with the sounds...
Of salesmen."

Mon, Jun 10, 2013

A supply chain warrior
Lean mean stride,
Today's Tim Cook's
Got a mean stock slide.
Though his software's not for rent,
Don't put him down as arrogant.
His reserve, a quiet defense,
Riding out the market's events.
The market…

What you say about his company
Is what you say about society.
-Catch the MacBook -Catch the iPad
-Catch the iPhone -Wait, it's just a fad!
The world is, the world is,
Dumptrucks full of cash are deep,
Maybe as his arms are wide.

Today's Tim Cook,
His stock's down, it's true,
But the product space he invades
’Soft can't buy from you.

No, his OS's aren't for rent
To any OEM or on the Internet.
Always suffering your discontents,
He knows changes aren't permanent,
But tv rumors are…

What you say about his company
Is what you say about society.
-Catch the tv -Catch the iWatch,
-Catch the exception -Need a belt of scotch!
The world is, the world is,
Passbook wallets are deep,
Maybe NFC was tried?

Exit the keynote,
Today's Tim Cook,
The stock gets high on you,
And the money you trade,
Business Insider, you done got played!

Thu, Jun 06, 2013

He's a Limey and a lover
His hardware's turning green
He's a middle-aged romantic
Wants to run the big machine

He's got a problem with his linens
But you know he'll find a cure
He's cleaning up his systems
To keep his icons pure

Learning to match the beat of the Windows Phone man
Learning to catch the heat of the BlackBerry man

He's got to clean up your mistakes
And learn to mend the mess you've made
He's old enough to know what's right
So you don't have to choose it
He's rich enough to win the world
His 30% "tax" can make them lose it -

He's no skeuuuuuuomoooooorphic maaaaan...

He's added radio receivers
Built in factories with ARMs
He's a poet and a teacher
And a bald man with burly arms
He's got a problem with his power
But he'll charge it on the dock
He's got to draw a fine line
Or up his design's they'll cock

Trying to save the day for the feature phone hicks
Trying to pave the way for the iPhone Six
He's not concerned with yesterday
He knows constant change is here today
He's smart enough to know what's right
And you don't get to choose it
He's wise enough to win the world
But man, Forstall really made him lose it

He's no skeuuuuuuomoooooorphic maaaaan...

Thu, Jun 06, 2013

Sprawling on the fringes of the GVA
In geometric mandate
An insulated candidate
In between the bright lights
And the far unlit electorate

Campaigning it all seems so one-sided
Resumes all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the Translink fare paid zone
Nowhere is the voter
Or the other voter
Or the other voter
Or the other voter
Or the other voter so alone

[Burnaby-Lougheed]
(Not seen) In the high school halls
(Not seen) In the shopping malls
Conform to the party platform or be cast out
[Burnaby-Lougheed]
(Not seen) On the mountain tops
(Not seen) In the coffee shops
Be online or be cast out

Any honest mistranslation might help to smooth
The unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe
The restless dreams of the power hungry and craven
(Except @scronide, he's a charming mofo!)

Drawn like hipsters we drift into the city
The timeless old Scienceworld attraction
Cruising for a latte
Lit up like a firefly
Just to see a winner on Election Night

Some will sell out their teams for small desires
Or lose the race to Libs
Get caught in unsafe cribs
And start to dream of Coquitlam
To relax their restless flight from St Lucia

Somewhere out of an unverified but holy smokes this transcript from 2005! memory
Of lighted streets or quiet Twitter streams...

Tue, May 28, 2013

Better rifle through your wallet,
Dontcha be too proud,
Cos you’re all gonna subscribe,
To the ’Dobe Creative Cloud!

Gonna get real used
To the Updater interface,
Which app’ll finish first?
It’s a marathon, not a race!

Think you got some wifi?
Think you got some speed?
Better up your monthly ’llowance,
Always have less than you’ll need.

Say, the update’s ready?
Ha ha, we sure fooled you!
It failed at three in the morning,
How come? Like we have a clue?

Every silver lining has a cloud,
And sometimes the reverse is true;
But one thing we know for sure,
This Cloud’s a-gonna piss on you…

Mon, May 06, 2013
 

Newest:

History of Football

It’s not what I would have chosen. As a shy, bookish seventeen year old with airs of academia, in my first year of university I signed up for “History 101: History and Ideas”, an agreeably-snobby sounding introductory course. All sections of 101 were the basic Western Civ canon, with each allowed some variety in approach or perspective, though they all counted for the same credits, and could lead into a History major.

Hamburger Cake, 2012 Edition

Couldn't find the orange fondant for the cheese, but hey, gotta leave something for the Mark III.

Rainbow Cupcakes

Fuck it, made all the fancy colours, but not chocolate, and then no one bothered to eat them. So, chocolate or nothing from here on out!

Treasure Chest, 2012 Edition

Perhaps a failure, ultimately, for not having the structural support of the first version, nor the brown woodgrain icing. The abundance of candy seemed to make up for that with its audience…