James's blog

Another Fine Homemade Parachute Page, Crafted With Love

’Twas the Night Before Canada Day

'Twas the night before Canada Day, when all through the igloo
Not a hoser was stirring, not even for a brew-
Ski;
The snowshoes were hung by the outhouse with care,
In hopes that @jdalrymple soon would be there;

The mooselings were nestled all snug in their holes;
With visions of grizzly bears dancing on some po—
Wait, that was me…
And mamma in her goalie helmet, and I in my Rush shirt,
Had just finished a two-four, we weren't feelin' any hurt,

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I. Overture
"And the licensed shall inherit the earth."

II. Radio of iTunes
We've taken care of everything
The tunes you hear
The Boards you Spring
The pictures that give (App Store reviewer approved) pleasure
To your eye
All for one, yes—All. For. One.
Curate together
Average ratings
Never need to wonder
How or why

Apache Server

Well they screwed up the back end dev in the repo last night now they screwed up his workflow too
Down in the conference room they're gettin' ready for a fight gonna see what them JavaScript boys can do

Now there's trouble bustin' in from outta RESTful states and the P.M. can't get no relief
Gonna be a rumble out on the foosball deck and the QA lead's hangin' on by the skin of her teeth

History of Football

It’s not what I would have chosen. As a shy, bookish seventeen year old with airs of academia, in my first year of university I signed up for “History 101: History and Ideas”, an agreeably-snobby sounding introductory course. All sections of 101 were the basic Western Civ canon, with each allowed some variety in approach or perspective, though they all counted for the same credits, and could lead into a History major.

Cachin’

Cachin’ Cachin’ Cachin’

Keep testin’, testin’, testin’,
Doritos we are ingestin’,
Keep them templates testin’
Drupaaaaaaaal!
Don’t try to understand it,
Just try, catch, var_dump it
When you wrote this had you glue sniffed?
Man, this function’s regurgitatin’
But some booze will be a-waitin’,
A-waiting at the end of my shift.

The Spirit of WWDC

Begin the keynote
With a friendly voice,
A CEO, unobtrusive
Shows those sales figures, so elusive
And the payment total makes your morning mood

Off on your way
Hit the afternoon sessions,
There is magic at your fingers
For the notifications ever linger,
Demanding contact
In your earbudded solitude.

Square Icons

Square icons go on every screen
Square icons are the boss
Square icons on the shiny OS
Square icons got no gloss
Square icons are the latest thing
Square icons take the cake
Square icons gonna be everywhere
Square icons got nothing fake

Sometimes pushing beziers around
Sometimes pulling out the rug
Sometimes pushing all the buttons
Sometimes looking oh so smug
It's the power and the glory
Getting kicked out of paradise
It's a cinderella story
They no longer look like dice

Skeuomorphic Man

He's a Limey and a lover
His hardware's turning green
He's a middle-aged romantic
Wants to run the big machine

He's got a problem with his linens
But you know he'll find a cure
He's cleaning up his systems
To keep his icons pure

Learning to match the beat of the Windows Phone man
Learning to catch the heat of the BlackBerry man

Tim Cook

A supply chain warrior
Lean mean stride,
Today's Tim Cook's
Got a mean stock slide.
Though his software's not for rent,
Don't put him down as arrogant.
His reserve, a quiet defense,
Riding out the market's events.
The market…

What you say about his company
Is what you say about society.
-Catch the MacBook -Catch the iPad
-Catch the iPhone -Wait, it's just a fad!
The world is, the world is,
Dumptrucks full of cash are deep,
Maybe as his arms are wide.

Burnaby-Lougheed

Sprawling on the fringes of the GVA
In geometric mandate
An insulated candidate
In between the bright lights
And the far unlit electorate

Campaigning it all seems so one-sided
Resumes all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the Translink fare paid zone
Nowhere is the voter
Or the other voter
Or the other voter
Or the other voter
Or the other voter so alone

Adobe Creative Cloud

Better rifle through your wallet,
Dontcha be too proud,
Cos you’re all gonna subscribe,
To the ’Dobe Creative Cloud!

WordPress Blues

@petethedude’s nerves are fraying,
This code’s gonna get a trebucheting,
When no one wins, ev’ryone’ll lose,
He’s got the Wordpress Blues

Settings don’t stick,
(Paid) theme don’t work.
Time to cut some cruft,
Look out! He’s reaching for his dirk!

The templating’s all whack,
He’s about to blow his stack.
PM asks for one more widget,
See his eyelid start to fidget…

Adobe Updater Blues

Get on your knees, you lowly supplicator,
Prepare to run the Adobe App Updater,
Better make a little prayer, better leave a little offering,
Say, got yer soul handy? Time for a proffering.

Is that a lousy rhyme? You’ll find a better one,
Lots of time left ’fore the first download is done,
Now you know what they say, a watched pot never—
Whoops! Timeout error,  it’s a futile endeavour!

WordPress Blues

Well I stepped in some shit,
With holes in my shoes,
An’ I didn’t even care,
Cos I got the Wordpress Blues.

My dog up and croaked,
But mister, there’s worse news,
It stripped out all my <p> tags,
Lord, spare me the Wordpress Blues.

’Ere’s rain coming through the ceiling,
& smoke coming out the flues,
Someone hardcoded ’ese goddamned ID’s,
Sir, I got the WordPress Blues.

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